My life has consisted of many, many fad diets. I remember the cabbage soup one- how I lost 12 pounds in two weeks, and how those 12 pounds, plus a few of their friends, came right back after I started eating normally. Then I remember the Grapefruit Diet. For breakfast you were supposed to eat two hard boiled eggs, two slices of bacon, and a 1/2 grapefruit. Lunch was salad and 1/2 a grapefruit, and dinner was salad and 1/2 grapefruit. If you were still hungry later, you insatiable beast, then you could cheat and have a bedtime snack: 1/2 grapefruit. To this day I still gag when I try to eat grapefruit. I actually can't think about it without feeling nauseous right now. These trendy diets continued all throughout high school and into college. Sometime during my junior year, my friend and I got a little out of control with the dieting and started ejecting our food out of our mouths and into toilets all over campus. (That would be the lowest point of my dieting life). After College I tried the popular South Beach Diet. Every morning before leaving for work I would eat 1 slice of turkey bacon and a scoop of cottage cheese. For lunch I'd sit at my desk and eat a salad, and then every afternoon at around 3pm I would end up standing in front of the office vending machine staring at the snickers bar. Most days I would cave and get one, and then I would feel such immense guilt and disgust at my lack of willpower that I remember wishing I could just climb out of my body and leave it on my chair, as if it were a down jacket suffocating me on a summer day.
I've blocked out all the diets I was on between the ages of 22-32, but I remember the last few. There was Keto, which my husband and I did a couple years ago, and which was successful. I lost about 13 lbs, he lost over 20 (of course), and we both had tons of energy and felt great. But, like all those diets before it something would make my willpower to not eat sugar or carbs dissipate, and the diet would end. Then we started intermittent fasting, which has been pretty great for us and not something I plan to stop anytime soon. It's interesting- I weigh less now than I did in high school, and feel better than I ever have, but up until recently, I couldn't stop dieting. I've never been diet free and it makes me a little nervous. I'm always either on a diet, in between diets, or just innerly bashing myself for not being on a diet. But this year, I'm hoping that I can finally say I'm done with dieting and hating my body.
Last month, our nutrition challenge that my wonderful friend Katie came up with for our virtual gym community, Gym Bungerz, was simple- eat more protein, fruits and veggies, drink more water, get as much sleep as possible, be grateful and eat mindfully. It was all so doable and made so much sense. I was confused when I started the challenge because all I was feeling was happy and successful. There was no suffering, no restricting, no trying to change as much about myself as possible. In the past month I've had ice cream, pizza, and bagels. I've made cake with my kids and enjoyed every bite. But I've also tried to fill up on veggies first when I'm hungry, and covered more of my plate with chicken than with rice. This past month of simply eating healthy and balanced meals and snacks has got me thinking a lot about diet culture. Maybe the answer to what I've been searching for my whole life is simple. Maybe I don't need the current diet of restricting certain foods to make me happy with my body. Maybe all I need to do is be grateful for this amazing body for what it's done for me rather than hate it for not looking like Kate Moss in her prime. I started Crossfit at age 35 and thanks to this body I have muscles I never knew existed. I've hit PRs and sweat more than I thought possible and I've worked so hard that I curl up into the fetal position after most workouts. This body has also given me the two biggest blessings in my life, my children. Why have I spent so much time hating this shell I live in instead of loving every inch of it?
It seems to me that diets are synonymous with self loathing. Whenever I start a new diet, basically every year for the past 25 years, I take a before picture. And the dialogue in my mind while taking those before pictures is, "Say goodbye to this gross body because it's going away for good." But now I'm trying something new. I'm trying SELF LOVE instead of SELF LOATHE. Next week I begin the last year of my 30s (lord help me), and I'm the fittest I've ever been in my life. So instead of continuing on with the negative dialogue, I am going to see what happens if I start to talk to and about my body in a positive way. I'm going to thank it after each workout every morning, compliment it when I try on new clothes, and just be grateful for it. I know a lot of women think like me, and I know a lot of men don't understand it. My husband thinks I'm crazy whenever I say anything negative about myself, and I love him so much for that. But we sometimes see ourselves through a different kind of lens. And I think it might be time to update the prescription and see things a little differently, a little clearer.
