Maybe

We were supposed to go on our big California adventure in 10 days. We were going to fly to San Francisco to spend a few days with our friends Ryan and Caitlin who moved out there a couple years ago and who we miss a lot. From there we were going to drive down the Pacific Coast Highway, stopping along the way to stay in Monterey and Santa Barbara, along with other places we've heard a lot about, and eventually ending up in LA to spend Zoey's 7th birthday at Disneyland. We have a closet filled with things Irv spent hours and hours researching and bought just for Disneyland- special pins the kids could exchange with the workers, a comfortable and light backpack with a cooler section, a big autograph book the kids could walk around with and those sharpies that just need to be pushed down to use so the characters wouldn't have to bother with taking off the caps and returning them to us, Minnie and Mickey lanyards, and probably more things I'm forgetting. Believe me, I'm aware that there are worse things than to have to cancel a trip. We canceled a trip planned for March which was also a bummer, but this one stings a little more. Maybe we'll get to do the trip as planned one day in the future, when Disney opens up again, when the kids are a little older and traveling feels like something we can do again. Or maybe we won't.

There's just so many Maybe's in life right now. Maybe camps will be open this summer (most likely not). Maybe restaurants and bars will open again and people will be able to get together to enjoy a delicious meal and yummy drinks, or maybe all the tables will be so spread out and everyone will have to wear a mask anyway so maybe it would just be easier to continue getting takeout on days we don't feel like cooking. Maybe we can have people over in the backyard this summer to enjoy a barbecue, or maybe that will still be unsafe. Maybe I'll have to run upstairs 4 times tomorrow and scream into a pillow because life is overwhelming right now, or maybe I'll have a really happy day where I'm feeling great. Maybe the kids will be able to go back to school in the fall like normal, or they'll go every other day, or maybe not at all.

It's hard living life with a bunch of Maybe's lurking in the air. It's hard not having little and big things to look forward to. A Mother's Day brunch with family, a night out with friends, a week away over the summer. So instead, I'm trying to look forward to things that may not have been too exciting to me a year ago, but today get me through the days. The zoom workouts where we get to see our CrossFit friends and coaches through the screen, the runs I get to go on where I feel like I'm letting go of all the scary thoughts swirling through my head, the vegetable garden we're going to grow with our amazing neighbors, the new inflatable pool the kids will get to splash around in over the summer in the backyard, the drive by birthday parades, and the takeout we get every once in a while that seems like such an indulgence when some days it feels like all I do is cook and clean. And on days like today, Mother's Day, it's easier to not take things for granted. I get to have my little family home with me all day every day, and there's no maybe's about that.